(This is a poem I wrote and performed live in college. Originally written December 8th, 2010.)
Quick! Call a neurologist
cause my kids won’t sit still
they need to be given a fix-pill
so they don’t do what kids will
all they want to do in school
is run around & have fun,
but that doesn’t fit with how society is run.
All that I want is for them to be educated
but there’s tough competition
cause all the children in their class
with straight-A’s are getting medicated
Doctor, doctor! My kids, they don’t act right
and I know that they’re bright
but they always put up a fight
when I try to make them buckle down
and put pen to the page
and all they do is clown around
when I tell them to act their age
I just don’t want them to grow up
and work at 7-11 for minimum wage
See, Junior’s attention-deficit
and his brother’s hyperactive,
you may think i’m overreactive
but I’m just your average concerned parent
with a simple and honest plea,
I’m only turning my kids into patients
‘cause I’m impatient, see
my local school system is free
but I’m thinking ahead to college,
I’m totally willing to give up my first born child
so the second has crazy knowledge
I’m only planning for the future
by cherry-picking the present
so I’ll send the kids to therapy
if I find them unpleasant
because I’m not the problem,
obviously they are,
and I don’t care how high the fee is,
as long as my sons are number one
and write their master’s theses
I want them to stand out--sure they’re just in second grade
but they haven’t yet made the Dean’s list
And I’m afraid that they’ll grow up
to be drunken bums who sleep in their own piss
And I don’t want to make them do their homework myself
it takes too much energy--I’ll hire tutors for that
as far as I’m concerned right now they’re a couple of brats
don’t judge me, okay fine, call me a dead-beat-dad
but I’m trying as hard as I can
to have the perfect pair of kids
without trying as hard as I can
So I’ll give them stimulants to increase their attention spans
so I’m free to be my own man
I don’t see their individuality
as part of my master plan
I don’t even want my kids
learning how to ride a bike,
when they could be learning
to write stock-market analyses
and secure me a financially optimal life.
No, I don’t have delusions of grandeur
I’m just ensuring my sons have
the proper behavioral conduct to finish exams faster.
I mean, isn’t that what kids are supposed to do?
I don’t want little johnnie and Michael Jr. eating glue,
I want them to grow up knowing
the realities of how the world works,
and those who say
I’m not letting them be kids at all, y’all are just jerks!
Sure they might be stressed
but they’ll be happier when they’re older
right now they’re just a couple of soldiers following orders
and in my general scheme
they’re just here to fulfill all of my dreams
So I’ll medicate, and placate them
with Ritalin and Adderall,
continuing my search for a quick-fix cure-all
just so with minimal effort on my part
the little Bruffees
will be super-productive in study-hall
I’m not obsessive, or oppressive,
I’m just doing my job,
so that when my children are older
they don’t have to steal and rob
Now listen, I’m not going too far,
you just aren’t going far enough.
And if you don’t like the way I raise my kids
well tough:
You’ll just have to grow up.